Control

I've just seen this film and it was great, it thoroughly matched my mood and as it was the first time I've been to the cinema alone it also made me feel empowered. I came away with the conviction that if things are making you seriously unhappy then you have to deal with them. It seems kind of appropriate today as I was supposed to be having an interview for another job.

I've finally accepted that this "new" job isn't for me and hence I need to make some changes.

By the way the interview was cancelled because the interviewer has hurt his eye which he kindly phoned me at 7.40 to tell me about because he was panicing that I may be leaving early for the interview as it was back on the outskirts of London.

Hopefully they will reschedule soon, in the meantime I'm trying to concentrate on the good things like seeing films I fancy (even if it means going alone), cuddling up in bed with my OH, playing with the neighbourhood cats who I've befriended and teaching myself to take better photos and use photoshop.

Long day

I'm sat here, admittedly at home, just finishing off some work. I actually have lots more to do but I have just had a realisation that apart from driving I have actually been working constantly for 12 hours!

Suprisingly I'm not feeling bad about this, actually I think I may have found my work mojo and despite all the bits I don't like and the various difficulties I suspect I might actually be starting to enjoy my job. Bizarrely I am nervous about even thinking that, let alone writing it down. Its very important to me that I am motivated and inspired by my job and so far I haven't liked this one much at all. The people are great, which has kept me going, but maybe I'm getting into my stride.

Now the only problem is my inbuilt need to be liked and respected, I so need to get over that cos at the end of the day the people I'm working with now are always going to find reasons to bitch and moan and I'll never be as good as "so and so" despite the fact that they moaned about them at the time too. Anyway I musn't let it get me down, they don't "know" me and hence it doesn't really matter!

PS does anyone think it a bit weird that I am actually considering working till 20.15 cos then it would be exactly 12 hours?

Ahhhh and relax!

I've just been for a swim followed by a short session in the steam room. I'd forgotten how good a nice gentle swim can make you feel, especially if you also have a bracing motorbike ride home afterwards!

I love this time of year, or rather, I love this sort of cold crisp bright sort of weather. Inviting enough to get you outside but also with the potential for cosying up inside afterwards. I also find it mystifying how quickly it seems to get dark, rather like someone has dropped a blanket over a light.

Before I get too poetic, see swimming is good (or bad depending on your view point), the actual point of this post was about the fact that the strangest things can make you relaxed.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of meeting some of the lovely fashion girls, including Sandancer and Lomie. It was a great day and many cocktails were drunk, and as before the highlight was putting real people to the names on the screen. Whilst it is slightly nerve wracking in that whole "making friends, what if they don't like me" kind of way, the relaxing part comes when you realise that you feel quickly relaxed with people that you already have a "link" with even if you do end up feeling slightly stalkerish for explaining that you have been baseing your recent explorations into films on the comments of someone you only knew the online name of :o)

I did it!

I finally reached the big 30 at the weekend, and I am very proud of myself because I didn't freak out in the slightest.

It seems strange, but I really thought I would find it a big deal. I'm in a place which I am not very happy with, on both work and home fronts, but on the other hand I've had some fantastic times lately and I'm feeling an awful lot better.

I've also taken up pilates which I love! I've wanted to do it for ages and finally managed to find a class which fits with my schedule, it also led to me making an empowering decision to put something I wanted to do at a higher priority than my job. So every monday I leave work at 4pm to get to the class in time :o)

To celebrate my birthday I went with a big gang of assorted friends to Dans Le Noir? in Clerkenwell. It was organised by my friend who was sharing the celebrations with me, and it was a great experience, freaky but great! Thankfully we managed to avoid the temptations of a karoke bar when the pub closed!

I have a number of things I plan to do "for me" in the next few months. I'm going to write them here as a reminder and commitment;

1. Go and see some films when the new Picture House cinema opens, even if I go on my own!
2. Blog more
3. Sign up for a camera course, I now have a good set up but really feel I'm not making the most of it
4. Continue with the Pilates
5. Spend time in London doing things I want to do (including the meet I'm going to on Saturday)

I've realised I need balance in my life, I tend to throw myself too much into one thing, whether that is work or study or relationships, and subsume my own wants and needs. For me to be really content and fulfilled I need all the bits! So here's to a new way forward for my 30's!

Blimey

Thats just kinda how I feel at the moment.

New job is madly hectic in a way that I am not sure I like.

I'm really missing being able to blog more frequently, and I need to start making time for "me" in a sort of "head space" way. In that vein I have had my first pilates class and it is fab!

This year has felt a bit "one thing after another" and I don't think that is going to end anytime soon.

I had a fantastic weekend with old friends and new - but it was also confusing in some ways - pleasant but made me think.

What will be, will be

New jeans

I'm having a great mooching weekend. Went out for a quick ride and a coffee with my OH yesterday then chilled out on the sofa with some episodes of the West Wing and a homemade curry and bottle of red.

Today I did some online banking this morning, realised that my finances were looking ok so I headed for some shopping in the city. I am stupidly happy that one of the department stores is now stocking my preferred skincare range, Caudalie, which had meant a trip to SpaceNK previously.

I also kept going with my mission to find the perfect flared leg jeans, with seemingly no success anywhere until I popped into a local boutique which I always avoid as I feel too "big" to shop in there. Diesel Lambry's are the way to go, they come in a 30" leg - yeah!

And the assistant also got me to size down as she felt the 32" waist would soon be too big - double yeah!

I then popped into a cafe I had always wanted to try and will most definately be going back, I think it is probably my new favourite place. The coffee and cake were lovely and even better the lunch menu looks great and they serve my favourite organic Rose - heaven!

All in all a lovely, but incredibly shallow weekend :o)

Burston Strike School Rally

One of the joys of not being a civil srevant anymore is that I am allowed to be "political" again. My sis and I went to the Burston Strike School Rally today, much more like a village fete than a political rally, that is until bloody Bob Crowe spoke! Grrrrr the man did my head in, he got facts and figures wrong and totally missed the point on just about everything, I actually feel sorry for the RMT if he is the figurehead. What infuriated me so much was his attitude that tommorows tube strike disruption was "sticking it to the man". Which bit doesn't he get about the tube disruption actually affecting millions of hard working Londoners? Not the "fat cats", they can afford a taxi home, but ordinary working people who just want to get home on a Monday evening. Can't they see this does more damage to their cause than anything?

On the other hand Billy Bragg and Tony Benn spoke eloquently, in their different ways, about how it is everyone's responsibility to make this society fair and just. Exactly what the strike school was all about.

Wedding daze

I've just got back from my friend's wedding in Switzerland. It was fantastic, she looked lovely and everything went perfectly for them...except the DJ but even that was no big deal, he just wasn't very good!

I was her "best woman" so the weight of responsibility weighed quite heavy, but the feeling of relief and contentment that it went so well was so worth it. My OH was wonderful, if you read this darling, thank you again, I really really appreciated it.

The funniest thing was that we were mistaken for some clowns!

No, really! There was an event on for performers in the town with stages dotted about everywhere and fantastic street performers, many of whom were English. The night before the wedding we were sat outside a cafe and just as we settled the bill the waitress asked us when we were performing. We looked confused and explained we were there for a wedding, at which point she turned to my OH and said...."I thought you were a clown". I'm not sure what that made the rest of us? Perhaps clowns have groupies in Switzerland :o)

I bought myself a little present just before we left, a new Canon EOS 350D. I am so excited and can't wait to go on a photography binge. A shiny new digital SLR, a fantastic OH and a wonderful wedding, what more can I ask for?

I miss London

Overall things are going well in the new job, but what has really suprised me is how much I miss being in London those few days a week. I think I had actually grown to appreciate it, and lets face it having a little bit more money makes in more accessible!

Just before I left my old job my OH suggested that we should make time to go to London socially so that I could get my fix. I'm going to take him up on that, and perhaps make time to actually do things when I go home to visit my folks and sisters.

In the meanwhile here are some photos I took recently.

A perfect summers day?

Pimms, curry, music and ice cream in the sunshine!

Ben & Jerry's Sundae

What can I say, it was great! I've got some pictures to upload when I have time but all in all it was a fantastic day, warm and sunny, brilliant atmosphere, good food, great music and people I like spending time with.

I have to say, The Holloways rock! Even if Alfie was wearing red skinnies after I had previously announced that you shouldn't ever trust a man in red skinny jeans :o)

New job

Apart from feeling very much like the new girl, things are going well in the new job. The organisation seems to be in a bit of disaray, but nothing that couldn't be expected with the immense level of change going on.

The people seem very friendly and quite nice, although I haven't got the measure of my boss yet. I am quite excitable and open, he seems completely the opposite. I suspect I may struggle with this because communication is central to who I am, and how I operate, on the positive side though he doesn't seem to micro manage, so I guess I'll just be able to go to him for considered, thoughtful advice when that is what I need.

I am missing the comfortableness and comradery of the old place though, I suspect I won't make as many true "friends", i.e. people I actually chose to see outside work, here. And I am not sure if they are ready for my random musings yet, but I guess that is what the blog is for :o)

Its sunny!

Its sunny outside.

I have a new motorbike.

I'm about to start a new job which will enable me to be home more, not live in constant mess and actually try to constructively start to lose some weight.

I'm feeling quite loved up.

And I have some cheques to pay in to the bank which will make my savings look healthier.

All petty things, but life has felt like such a struggle at times recently, with one thing after another just being difficult that it is a relief to wake up in such a good mood.

Am I grumpy?

I finish my current job in a weeks time and tonight is my "leaving do". I really like most of the people I work with, and I really hope that a number of them remain friends when I move on, but...

...I really hate this sort of thing, it is exactly why I try and avoid letting colleagues know when my birthday is as well. Its hard to put my finger on exactly why it makes me feel so uncomfortable, I'm not sure if it is as simple as not liking being the centre of attention or whether it is just the slight cringe worthyness of the boss telling you how much you'll be missed etc whilst inside you know that in a couple of weeks any gap you've left will have spontaneously closed up.

In essence I don't want to go tonight, and I fear that I am being too grumpy about it. I just need to grit my teeth and smile sweetly, whilst being gracious and charming...quite a challenge I think!

On another point (and yes I know I am getting ranty here) I would happily jump on the tube to go to a decent pub, you know, nice ambience, reasonable drink selection (John Smiths and Foster do NOT count) and interesting bar snacks. However other people don't seem to feel the same way, am I odd?

Right moaning over, for a couple of hours at least.

Hmmm?

Postal strike

I was going to blame my lack of posting on the postal strike which occurred early last week, however I realised that:
a) That doesn't make any sense, and
b) Its my blog so actually I don't have to explain :o)

In reality it has just been the busiest week! For one horrible moment it seemed as though the insurance company were going to refuse to pay out on the fire damage and we were going to be left with £20k worth of charred building, all because someone had originally sold me the wrong type of insurance policy. My best stern voice and underlying threat of court action seemed to get it sorted and on Saturday a team of munchkins came and demolished the damaged walls and structures.

I say munchkins, but they were actually post GCSE lads who the building firm is using for demolitions as they are swamped with flood damage all over the country. After my initial dismay at their ages, they proved to be pretty good workers, and seem to have done a good job....well there are no walls or building left just a lot of hardcore and a very full skip!

On a positive note, the motorbike insurance has paid out, and I didn't need to demand a better settlement. And my new motorbike is being picked up today :0)

Oh and I managed to actually run all the way round the park! I've been doing a run / walk programme because I'm becoming a lard arse again and feel quite rough and today was a real milestone. Strangely it feels much more satisfying than a bit weight loss, so maybe I should learn something from that?

Read this blog

I started this post cos I wanted to thank Rollergirl for her support after I was feeling slightly despondent the other day.

Her blog is amazing and always leaves me inspired and wishing I had her writing abilities.

Thanks again!

The british beach

I've noticed in the last couple of months that many of the "high end" glossies including Vogue and Harpers have had articles on how cool it is to holiday in the British countryside. Well..dah...yes! As kids we spent all of our family holidays around the UK and had some fab times, I know this was somewhat motivated by lack of cash but I also know that neither I, nor my sisters, would complain about this in any way.

Consequently we find ourselves replicating these types of breaks at a drop of a hat. Today was one of those days...ahhh lovely Southwold!

Apparently noone is reading this...

...and I don't know whether to be glad or disappointed.

My thought process goes something like this

1) Noone is reading my blog...shit I must be really boring!
2) Ahhh but that means I can write whatever I want to, and express all those views I tend to shy away from in case someone I know recognises me
3) But then the blog would be more interesting and people might start to read it, one of them might recognise me and my life would become that bit harder

....arghhhhh!

I know I need to do something but I'm really putting it off.

We have an elderly neighbour who has been like a Grandma to us since I was born. She has always been fiercely independent, although has always accepted and welcomed our love and care. In fact she has been more like family to us than most of our extended family.

But she has taken a real downturn in the last 12-18 months, not suprising really since she turned 96 last month, but nevertheless its really hard to see someone who has been so strong and independent turning into someone who really needs a lot of care but doesn't want to accept it. She is really frail now, and quite confused most of the time, but refuses the help she needs to keep her well and safe.

I'm off to see her now, meeting my sister so we can pop in together. There is no real purpose behind this post except for my sadness at how unhappy she is and how she is struggling. Its really hard to love someone so much that you would rather they slipped away peacefully in their chair than struggled on like this.

07/07/07

I woke up this morning to a radio report about how lucky today is supposed to be, another indication of our society's obsession with numbers, and just had a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right.

As I looked out over the burnt and broken wreckage of what was the garage I suddenly remembered...

Sitting at my desk in Leeds, fielding phone calls from distressed family members who knew or thought their loved ones were in London

Phoning my OH to ask him to drive from Birmingham to get me from Leeds, partly because we were told no trains were running and partly because I just wanted him close

Desperately trying to get hold of people I know and love to check they were ok

Driving through beautiful countryside on a gorgeous summers day, happy with my partner beside me (who had just got a job he really wanted) but also devastated for the terror that was being unleashed on our country

But nothing really bad touched us, everyone we cared about was ok, and a week later the near misses were just that for us. Near, but far enough away to not mean anything.

Others weren't so lucky, and today, two years on, we remember them.

How true?

I can get a record player, and a generator.
Generate the music that makes you feel better.

I dont live in poverty, i got a little bit of money and i've got a healthy body.
I'm not going to let stuff get me upset, and i wont let all the little things get me depressed.
when i was a young boy i got a stereo and i taped all the songs straight off the radio.
the sounds that the bands made, and the melodies is all i need to make me feel free.

Sometimes you get so low, you don't know why, or a little upset all inside.
May i remind you? that you don't live in poverty, you got your youth, and you got food in your belly.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.

I dont live in poverty, i got a little bit of money and i've got a healthy body. I'm not going to let stuff get me upset, and i wont let all the little things get me depressed.
when i was a young boy i got a stereo and i taped all the songs straight off the radio.
the sounds that the bands made, and the melodies is all i need to make me feel free.

Sometimes you get so low, you don't know why, and you get a little unsettled inside. May i reind you? that you don't live in poverty, you got your youth, and you got a roof over your head.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I'll set up a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better.
I can get a record player, and a generator. Generate the music that makes you feel better

Ice cream and the Proclaimers

I've managed to get tickets for the Ben and Jerry's Sundae, on the Sunday. Ice cream, cool bands and my sisters for company I'm so looking forward to it :o)

http://www.benjerry.co.uk/sundae/bands.php

When arsonists attack

Thought you might like to see some pictures of the infamous fire damage.

That was my motorbike in the second one

Comfort shopping

I decided to wander into the city this afternoon meaning to go to the library and have a coffee, as well as replacing my Dr Feelgood.

I completely failed to make it to the library as I got distracted by a new big New Look and then looking for something to wear to my masters graduation later this month. In my browsing I came across two fab new purchases! A silvery parka I have been looking at in Oasis for ages, reduced from £85 to £20 and a tunic type dress from FCUK which I am currently wearing with brown leggings, and very comfortable it is too!

Oh and they had Bad Gal Blue back in stock at Benefit too!

Things that have made me happy

I thought I would kick this off with a selection of photos which make me smile. After a week where my home had an arson attack, but thankfully my living area isn't damaged and noone was hurt, things that make me smile seem the best way forward. So here we have a fantastic swiss cow on top of a mountain, my friend's wedding dress, my new bag and sadly my bike, which is no more (thanks arsonists!)